The questions roll through my head like a bowling ball in a bowling alley. How I wish you’d answer them, without crushing my heart again. The happiness turned to anger is like the most beautiful sunset turned into the most horrific nightmare AGAIN!! I feel like but guts have been ripped out of me and haunt me daily for not listening tothem. The anger k feel, is like a tidal wave of sharks while I sit on the shoreline smiling from ear to eat watching it eat her alive.
I only hope that he will remain mine (despite how gross I am). I hope that one day I will be skinny enough, dark enough or PRETTY ENOUGH to even PRETEND to want. (Since I know i’m fat, ugly and disgusting to him. WHICH I UNDERSTAND) .
My heart is like a never ending wound. It feels like I finally have it healed, and then I feel that cool breeze flowing through it and that stinging, Sometimes that stabbing pain all over again. Parenting to me is like this. I feel like I say yes to one thing, and it’s like I better say yes to the next request for the next 8 months or i’m so horrible I should just jump off that bridge I’ve contemplated so many times before. All I wanted was for our FAMILY to be a FAMILY and eat at the kitchen table!! Along with this came our oldest screaming like a rabbit screaming!! That piercing in your brain, the pain in your heart to help it. That was my son tonight because he had to eat at the table with our family.
The moment you feel like your heart is made out of glass and someone drops it in a cold hard tile floor. You scramble around on the floor trying to salvage as many pieces as possible, but feel like your blind and can only feel for the pieces. Not knowing where each one belongs or how to piece any of them together. Knowing you have to in order to stop this stabbing in your chest. To be able to stop the river flowing from your eyes. You try to come up for air, but feel like everyone else has taken it all. Your head feels like a carnival ride ready to fly into outer space.
What do you do from here? Which way do you go? What do you do? And who do you trust?
THIS is heartbreak to me. THIS is what i’m feeling right now as I feel like time is standing still, but I can see life passing before my tear soaked eyes.
I’ll hold onto those teeny shards of glass that was once my heart, and I’ll fit them back together eventually. But for now, they’ll prick and bloody my fingers as I carry them around and remember what it used to feel like to carry this beautiful heart in my chest.