Aaahhhh!! My 3.5 year old screeches from the other room. I rush in there to see her running in circles, arms flailing, and that high pitched screech slashing my ear drums open. “What is she freaking out about?” I wonder. As I try to calm her down, she starts back up like an engine that has the belts too tight. I start freaking out and scream for my husband. He races down the hallway towards us ready to beat off some intruders that have tried to kidnap us. He grabs her which intensifies her screeching. After a minute they calm down enough for our daughter to say “mof”. Mof? What? Suddenly something flies past my face and brushes my forehead. What the heck? Now i’m freaking out and screaming with my arms flailing and I now look like my 3.5 year old daughter! Now we’ve got her screeching like tight belts on a car, me hyperventilating running in circles, my husband looking at me like I need that white padded room and SOMETHING flying around our living room. My husband stands up with our daughter wrapped so tight around his chest that I think the only reason he was so calm is because she was holding him so tight he was ready to pass out. He grabs me and puts me under his arm as if he’s protecting me from some grizzly monster that has gotten in our home.
All of a sudden he starts laughing harder than he has in a long time. The laughing so hard he snorted a few times and almost dropped our daughter. (He probably would have if she didn’t have a death grip On him.). Of course, his sudden boisterous laughter started the screeching, arms flailing frenzy all over. Then I hear him say “MOTH” through his laughter. It was a MOTH!! A teeny, harmless ugly butterfly. A MOTH!!
The questions roll through my head like a bowling ball in a bowling alley. How I wish you’d answer them, without crushing my heart again. The happiness turned to anger is like the most beautiful sunset turned into the most horrific nightmare AGAIN!! I feel like but guts have been ripped out of me and haunt me daily for not listening tothem. The anger k feel, is like a tidal wave of sharks while I sit on the shoreline smiling from ear to eat watching it eat her alive.
I only hope that he will remain mine (despite how gross I am). I hope that one day I will be skinny enough, dark enough or PRETTY ENOUGH to even PRETEND to want. (Since I know i’m fat, ugly and disgusting to him. WHICH I UNDERSTAND) .
My heart is like a never ending wound. It feels like I finally have it healed, and then I feel that cool breeze flowing through it and that stinging, Sometimes that stabbing pain all over again. Parenting to me is like this. I feel like I say yes to one thing, and it’s like I better say yes to the next request for the next 8 months or i’m so horrible I should just jump off that bridge I’ve contemplated so many times before. All I wanted was for our FAMILY to be a FAMILY and eat at the kitchen table!! Along with this came our oldest screaming like a rabbit screaming!! That piercing in your brain, the pain in your heart to help it. That was my son tonight because he had to eat at the table with our family.
The moment you feel like your heart is made out of glass and someone drops it in a cold hard tile floor. You scramble around on the floor trying to salvage as many pieces as possible, but feel like your blind and can only feel for the pieces. Not knowing where each one belongs or how to piece any of them together. Knowing you have to in order to stop this stabbing in your chest. To be able to stop the river flowing from your eyes. You try to come up for air, but feel like everyone else has taken it all. Your head feels like a carnival ride ready to fly into outer space.
What do you do from here? Which way do you go? What do you do? And who do you trust?
THIS is heartbreak to me. THIS is what i’m feeling right now as I feel like time is standing still, but I can see life passing before my tear soaked eyes.
I’ll hold onto those teeny shards of glass that was once my heart, and I’ll fit them back together eventually. But for now, they’ll prick and bloody my fingers as I carry them around and remember what it used to feel like to carry this beautiful heart in my chest.